Why can't you stop thinking about them?
Not everyone. One person. One specific ex, years later, while the rest of your life moves on without you.
In Episode 332 of Secret Life Podcast, Brianne Davis walks through what she calls the exaholic cycle — a term from therapist Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby's 2015 book Exaholics — and why being hooked on one former partner behaves so much like an addiction. It is not an official diagnosis. You won't find it in a diagnostic manual. But if you've ever felt emotionally addicted to someone from your past and to no one else, you already know it's real.
In this episode:
The signs: replaying conversations, checking their socials, rewriting the ending in your head, comparing everyone to them, and the rush you feel when they reach out
The full cycle — trigger, craving, relapse, guilt, withdrawal, a brief resolve to move on, and then the next trigger
Why this is not weakness: dopamine, and intermittent reinforcement — the same mechanism behind gambling, where the inconsistency is exactly what makes it stick
The deeper layer nobody names: you don't just lose the person, you lose who you were with them
Six steps out, including the one most people skip — getting honest about what you're actually grieving
Why "the easiest way to get over someone is under someone" is, in her words, not true
Because you're probably not grieving them. You're grieving the future image you put on them, the version of you that felt most alive, and the life you thought was coming.
You are not stuck because they were the one. You're stuck because something in you got hooked. And anything that's learned can be unlearned.
Find out which stage of the loop you're in — free quiz: https://quiz.thefantasyloop.com
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, or sexual abuse — resources are at secretlifepodcast.com
Secret Life Podcast is hosted by Brianne Davis — author, relationship and recovery-informed coach, and creator of The Fantasy Loop™. 16+ years of personal recovery. Every Monday. No filter.
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